Down to the Pits
by Aubreys-Master
Summary: ["I think that what I hate about you most is that I cannot hate you at all..."--Yue (Fic)] Yue, somewhat bitterly, reflects on his time with Clow. Monologue, implied yaoi, blatant references to sex, but no actual lemon...I think that's about it...


Disclaimer: I don't own CCS.

Down to the pits – A monologue of Yue 

I hate you Clow Reed. I hate you for everything you've done to me. I hate you for the sensual arousal you stirred up in me. I hate you for the love you brought to the surface. I hate you for giving someone who was never meant to feel such emotions, for showing me this pain. I hate you, my master, for thinning the black and white definitive lines of Master and Slave. I loathe you for taking me where I wanted and beyond. I despise you for loving me back.

I hate you for where I stood there looking down on you while you were dying and all you did was smile and squeeze my hand, as though this would making everything better. I hate you for the hurt, the pain, the torture I felt when that grip loosened and your hand fell. I hate you most, I think, for when they put you in that box, and lowered you to the ground.

Humans are rubbish, I'm glad I'm not mortal. I shudder to think of what might be going through my head if I were. Human emotions…they're such a waste. If it weren't for them I wouldn't be feeling this sadness now. I wouldn't be mourning the loss of you. If only _you_ had not been my master, then I wouldn't not have to deal with this…anguish. Love isn't supposed to hurt, that's what you always told me. You told me it was beautiful, and magical and it made everything better. You were wrong. You lied to me, you despicable man.

I hate the way you held me hand and the way you took me to bed. I hate the way your death broke me- my soul never did recover. I hate the way you reincarnated and my new Mistress is his daughter. I hate the way you used to smell, and the way you used to taste and the way it felt to be beneath you and the sheer bliss it all caused. _I hate you, Clow Reed_.

I think that maybe what I hate about you the most is that I cannot hate you at all. No matter how I try, and I have tried plenty to sooth the torment over the years, I cannot summon enough bitterness to drown out the joy you used to invoke on me. I should curse you, damn you down to the very fiery pits of Hell, but I don't. I don't because no matter how hard I try, and I do damn you for this, I cannot hate you. You broke me, Clow Reed, you stole who I was- who I should be. You took everything you could get and left me with nothing, but I cannot hate whom you were- who you are.

I curse the day I woke and the day I did it again. I do not hate Sakura Kinomotou for being my Mistress but I do hate her for reawakening me, reviving my memories of you. I hate and treasure what you've done to me, what you did to me then. But you! You I cannot curse nor damn nor hate. You've done something to me, Clow Reed. You've done something I can't work around. It handicaps me, this love I feel. The fact that it shall never again be returned hurts more than you can- or could- ever recognize.

So yes, Master, I do hate- no despise you! But not for the reasons you might think. I say this full-well knowing I shall regret it after I do, but it _must be said_. I hate everything about you and yet I hate nothing about you at all. You are loathsome and yet the most wonderful man on earth at the same time. There was something about the way you touched me the way you smiled, that hurt more than all the hateful words or curses you could utter.

They say its better to have loved and loss than to have never loved at all, but I must disagree with them on that. Whoever 'they' are, that is. I often wish I had never met you and yet I know. I know that if we had never met I would not be who I am. Whether I would be better or worse off I cannot tell you but I will tell you this- as much as I might deny it, as much as I might say otherwise…I shall never forget- nor regret- what we did together, what you gave unto me and I to you. Clow, Master…whatever you wish, I hate and I love you. I always have I always will and one more thing which you must never forget.

The present can always be altered to the superior and the future planned out in advance to better your lives but the past cannot be. And, though when it's the present you may not see it, the past is always perfect.

Or, at least it is to me.

End


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